It’s been 4 years, although, for me, it still feels like yesterday when we first met. I didn’t have a single expectation on you and you ended up becoming the greatest divide my heart has ever faced. At first, I must confess I didn’t find anything special on you that could catch my interest. What an awkward thing to say at this point! But you changed me, for good.
We both were so green, you were only seventeen and I’ve just had broken into my twenties. You were in this trip by a chance of luck, while I’ve put all my efforts to make it happen. Funny, at least, how life plays with us. All of other guys had plans like “I’m gonna gang with that chick, what about you?” I just said the true, I was there to enjoy the concert, and actually I intended to meet another girl (which thankfully couldn’t happen). And I couldn’t imagine how a simply and innocent act would take us into this maelstrom of feelings. I laid my head on your lap and you touched my hair, with your shining smile. It was just the beginning of our history.
The Evanescence show was truly amazing! We weren’t together in the crowd but I did search for you in the bleachers, trying to monitor what you were up to. Gone with all the adrenaline, euphoria and excitement, the way back was to tell the reason why I’m enslaved to this feeling. The microbus was almost all occupied, and for my surprise (and irritancy – yes, every time I remember I wanted to swap your company in exchange of stretching my legs, it makes me laugh) you came by and sit right beside me, showing a certainty that drew my attention. That’s when it clicked. I started wondering if you were there with me only to avoid those morons or if you really wanted to stay with me.
I’ll never forget we chatted about trivialities while you were holding my hand. At a bus stop, you went to the toilet and asked me to keep your cellphone, which I did right away. That was my chance to be sure if you were free (I sometimes am totally tied up by insecurity), and I accessed your messages and noticed he was already in there. “Fuck off” I said. That night you would be mine, and you were.
The next weeks that followed, you called me. More than once, more than dozen times, and I surprisingly ignored you. And I really don’t know what was on with me. I was in a bind; trying to solve problems that now I cannot even remember. We were lost then, but not for long. Months later, we reconnected, but you were different. You were no longer available. But our hearts still pounded with resonance. We were together again, but what about him? You couldn’t let go of him. And I understand you now: he was your safety island while I was too loose to settle down with anyone. But I was also different that time. I wanted you more than ever.
And the thunder hit us right in the head. You said I was recorded in you, but how deep this recording was? Could it leave remarkable impressions or would it just scratch the surface? I still don’t know. I’m still looking for answers.
If we ever meet again, I will tell you every word I didn’t. I will give you what you gave me and what I couldn’t reciprocate back then. I wish I could feel your tongue dancing behind my lips again, I wish I could hold your sweaty hand even tighter, I wish I could feel your heartbeat once again while I pull your body against mine as we become one.
If we ever meet again – whatever happens – I will shout out loud and clear the desperate crying that echoes through the corridors of my body: you own my heart.