There will be you and me.

I have been looking for some rest, but when night comes I find none. Deep in my dreams I can hear your heart beating, calling out mine and I can still taste a little warmth you’ve left in my lips. It leaves my body in flames, and I violently burn through the lust of desire. And as if by magic my mind absconds my body, in response to your calling, traveling through infinite space and time. Like a comet followed its orbit, I’m entwined to your love, which I’m pretty sure I can never shake free. And when we finally overcome the never-ending darkness that tears us apart, our both hearts collide, blurring out the very light of the Sun, outbursting our inner universe into lucent shards, floating all over the sky. Our vivid remains will kiss the ground, as the sun lies down. And when we reach our final destination, at the very last, all I wish is to swim into the shores of you, getting bathed by your oceans, where the waters are the purest I have ever savored. As the waves break against the coast, so does our flicker fragments, creating a trance-like dancing, and we become only one, lastly able to behold what love has been keeping for us. I still believe there will be you and me.

Lightless

I guess my light have just dimed out, for awhile. It could be a signal, a reflex of the emptiness I happen to be. I spend hours after hours with a train of thoughts in my head, a train I either cannot take or stop. I feel the best of me slowly slipping from my reach, but I can only hopelessly observe. It seems like I have become a spectator of my own existence, waiting for it to end, in the murkiest way possible. The Me I once knew is fading away, as leaves wither and drop off from a tree on autumn, my sensitivity and my emotions are leaving to somewhere I don’t know. I am becoming someone I don’t know and it is unpleasant not to recognize yourself anymore. Now lies a stranger in my own body, another mind-set has established itself. Have I gone thicker or number? I cannot tell. But even all through these brittle moments of callous self-consciousness where I only stare a feral, grayish and unending landscape, there’s still an almost imperceptible dull glowing at the very end. It beckons me, so candidly, begging me to trust it’s not over yet; that I can find ways to mend myself. What to do then? I’ll hold onto it till I can be strong enough to brave this storm, until I can see my star shining brightly once more, sparkling away every tear of sorrow, regret, frighten and uncertainty. 

No one is lost if there is no way out.

You own my heart.

It’s been 4 years, although, for me, it still feels like yesterday when we first met. I didn’t have a single expectation on you and you ended up becoming the greatest divide my heart has ever faced. At first, I must confess I didn’t find anything special on you that could catch my interest. What an awkward thing to say at this point! But you changed me, for good.

We both were so green, you were only seventeen and I’ve just had broken into my twenties. You were in this trip by a chance of luck, while I’ve put all my efforts to make it happen. Funny, at least, how life plays with us. All of other guys had plans like “I’m gonna gang with that chick, what about you?” I just said the true, I was there to enjoy the concert, and actually I intended to meet another girl (which thankfully couldn’t happen). And I couldn’t imagine how a simply and innocent act would take us into this maelstrom of feelings. I laid my head on your lap and you touched my hair, with your shining smile. It was just the beginning of our history.

The Evanescence show was truly amazing! We weren’t together in the crowd but I did search for you in the bleachers, trying to monitor what you were up to. Gone with all the adrenaline, euphoria and excitement, the way back was to tell the reason why I’m enslaved to this feeling. The microbus was almost all occupied, and for my surprise (and irritancy – yes, every time I remember I wanted to swap your company in exchange of stretching my legs, it makes me laugh) you came by and sit right beside me, showing a certainty that drew my attention. That’s when it clicked. I started wondering if you were there with me only to avoid those morons or if you really wanted to stay with me.

I’ll never forget we chatted about trivialities while you were holding my hand. At a bus stop, you went to the toilet and asked me to keep your cellphone, which I did right away. That was my chance to be sure if you were free (I sometimes am totally tied up by insecurity), and I accessed your messages and noticed he was already in there. “Fuck off” I said. That night you would be mine, and you were.

The next weeks that followed, you called me. More than once, more than dozen times, and I surprisingly ignored you. And I really don’t know what was on with me. I was in a bind; trying to solve problems that now I cannot even remember. We were lost then, but not for long. Months later, we reconnected, but you were different. You were no longer available. But our hearts still pounded with resonance. We were together again, but what about him? You couldn’t let go of him. And I understand you now: he was your safety island while I was too loose to settle down with anyone. But I was also different that time. I wanted you more than ever.

And the thunder hit us right in the head. You said I was recorded in you, but how deep this recording was? Could it leave remarkable impressions or would it just scratch the surface? I still don’t know. I’m still looking for answers.

If we ever meet again, I will tell you every word I didn’t. I will give you what you gave me and what I couldn’t reciprocate back then. I wish I could feel your tongue dancing behind my lips again, I wish I could hold your sweaty hand even tighter, I wish I could feel your heartbeat once again while I pull your body against mine as we become one.

If we ever meet again – whatever happens – I will shout out loud and clear the desperate crying that echoes through the corridors of my body: you own my heart.

Welcome to the End of Heart.

Things have changed. A lot. Things always change, but, was I able to change alongside them? I mean, evolving and getting prepared to live as a regular guy who wakes up, go working and then gets back to home fulfilling men’s daily duty? Or did I stick back at the time where I was a little weirdo kid, unaware of what the future held for me? I can say I’m living as a dual being. My mind’s been kept in another world, a fantastic and fabulous world I dreamed up. There is where I feel freer, I feel whole, I feel what I can’t feel in the real world. Where I play whoever I want to. My body - it just keeps going on, shrunk by the walls around me, sometimes sparkling glimpses of my core – with all happiness, real good times we share with our beloved ones, and sometimes (or should I say most of the times?) as a shallow me, a soulless gathering of flesh and blood ruled only by nature’s laws. The trick is: how do I mix up these two worlds to create a perfect and final version of me? Is there a recipe to live life and enjoy all of its possibilities or do we always have to let go of certain so-labeled forbidden (as viewed by common society) behavior and accept (in worst cases, standing) our frail, incomplete and harsh existing? I know it’s a lot of questions to answer, and experiencing life is hard, no matter if you’re broke, wealthy, good-looking, or whatever. I do believe we’re here to achieve a higher purpose. Some say troubles are the sauce of life. I say we’re not meant to suffer... but we do suffer. This is just the first step towards the non-stopping storm that echoes deep inside my heart. Here, I’ll try to face myself with no disguise, to wear my soul bared. Only then I can reach where I want and feel myself as I really am. Only then I can reach the end of heart.