Unhappy Birthday

A year went by and here I am, stuck somewhere where time just doesn’t seem to operate, at least for me. Looking back at the place I was then, it feels like everything around me has changed, but me. It’s hard to tell how awkward it is to become a viewer of your own life, a mere witness of the events that surround other’s existence. I feel like I’m in another planet, helplessly watching the paths of my history being paved without my assent. I am through of complaining, I just think too much I guess. I can’t help it. I often out of the blue get myself wondering about the simplest things a regular person would never notice. Could it be a sort of special feature from a renegade antihero or would it be more of a curse acquired from a heritage of the post modern era?  I’m struck by this train of thoughts hit after hit. The fact is that I stopped anywhere between the years I conquered. It is physically visible, once a lot of people from past I occasionally meet come with the so-feared greeting: “you haven’t changed a little bit at all”. My want of strangling them is suppressed by my well trained civility, which makes me counter with a fake yet polite reply: “kind of yours”. The bad thing about being honest enough to analyze yourself is that in the end, you somewhat find out you suck in a lot of ways. That’s what I’ve been doing to myself through last year, fucking with me. Not quite a voluntary resolution, I suppose. I’ve blown lots of nice opportunities by pure ignorance. I realize ignorance is my best friend now, and we enjoy dancing a good and very tangled tango. Outside the ennui and brittleness ignorance brings attached to itself, it offers – freely, but not clearly – the chance for us to learn, and trust me, I’ve learned too much from it. I probably might still take its hand for a dance, chat with it for awhile, but I’m way thicker this time. It would be easy just to pick out only what’s pleasant and fruitful for us in life, but what for? Only the best ones are bold enough to take their demons out for dancing, and still be capable to enjoy the ride.